Grace asked me to write about my three goals for this year. Because I find hope, and the thought that I can make my life better than it is, absolutely terrifying I rarely give myself goals beyond living another day, or things that come naturally, like listening, empathising and being kind. Even so, one of the criticisms most frequently leveled at me is that I am selfish, cruel and oblivious to the sufferings of others. I know that accusation is false, but because I feel things deeply and frequently struggle to communicate effectively, I guess it might feel that way to others. Of course as this criticism is voiced by my ex (and echoed by that part of my brain that wants me to hate myself) I might be better off dismissing it completely.
Because Grace asked, I will attempt to comply and make an emphatic statement about what I would like to achieve in 2018. Perhaps by putting these in writing I might take a step towards achieving these goals and actualising my desires. I believe words have magical power in that they focus the mind. Such a build up might seem to demand big goals, but I prefer to keep mine modest. I hope you will forgive me that.
Goal 1 - Heal myself.
I get angry. I have no doubt that this anger is born of frustration. Too often, I feel the things that I want to change are huge and abstract. I want the world to be safe for women. I frequently feel unsafe and lock myself away. Far from harm, and far from everything else. It's been a long time coming, but in 2018 I want to work through my trauma and heal the wounds of my past. I want to forgive myself and others who have hurt me, and finally move on.
Goal 2 - Spend more quality time with my daughters.
It will be hard with my eldest as she has moved far away. So I plan to send her messages and thoughts and visit whenever I can. My younger daughter still lives with me, so the challenge is quite different. We are too alike and frequently get frustrated with one another. To avoid arguments we retreat to separate rooms and keep our distance. That needs to change and I should be the one to find a way to bridge the gap.
Goal 3 - Look after my physical health.
While I have a relatively healthy diet, I am lazy and do little exercise. I know I'll feel better after a run or a workout, but the thought of it repels me. I would much rather curl up with a book or write. However, I am getting older, my waistline has expanded and I am constantly lethargic. My third goal is to get fit in the hope that my energy levels will increase accordingly.
So there you are - my three goals for 2018. Heal my trauma, get closer to my kids and do more exercise. That's pretty standard stuff I would think. So why do I already fear they are unachievable? Why do I feel overwhelmed?
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